Saturday, September 23, 2006

A Complicated Family Dynamic

Friday, July 14, 2006

Lycanthropy is a scam

Tuesday, July 04, 2006

I Wish the USA Could Have Won the World Cup

To celebrate they would have Hulk Hogan jump off the 9/11 monument onto a giant American flag held up by the winning soccer team with a mouth full of french fries screaming "FUCK YOU TERRORISTS WE WON"

Then Bruce Springsteen would play a concert with Elton John and Jay-Z while TV reality show stars dance onstage in their underwear

Ronald Mcdonald swoops down waving handing out fireworks to the people in the crowd and on the count of 3 they all set them off and they go up in a giant haze of red, white, and blue

George Bush announces that Osama Bin Laden has been caught and then drives away in the first mass-produced hydrogen powered vehicle

Kim Jong Il and Mahmoud Ahmadinejad fly over the celebration in a zeppelin hoping to spoil the party but a small innocent baby launches a firework that causes the zeppelin to explode

American astronauts make the first landing on Mars, sending back
a transmission that said "We have found on Mars airtight solutions to the following problems: global warming, cancer, AIDS, starvation, war, sadness..."

Giant Bart Simpson balloons filled with health care money

The elderly feel safe again.

Wednesday, June 21, 2006

Interview With Someone Named Keith

SUBBUTEO: Hello, Keith.

KEITH: Hey man.

SUBBUTEO: First off, how did you come to be named Keith?

KEITH: Shit, I dunno man. Maybe you should ask my ma that, I'll give you her number if you want. I'll give it to you later.


KEITH: Yeah.

SUBBUTEO: What time should I call her?

KEITH: She works til like 5 every day, you know?

SUBBUTEO: So after 5 pm would be good?

KEITH: Yeah, or like, on the weekend. She doesn't work on the weekend.

SUBBUTEO: Alright, thanks. Take it easy, man.

KEITH: Yeah for sure. ■

Tuesday, June 20, 2006

P.S.: Please Bring Treats


Ha ha! A little joke. You are cordially invited
to my annual Racist Picnic and BBQ! It is
an event that I hold every year in my backyard and
then in my cellar if the police come,
to celebrate racism!

For too long, our kind has been rejected
by the mainstream and made to feel inferior
to "normal" folk. This picnic is to celebrate
our hatred of celebrating each others' cultures!
Embrace racism! Embracism!

All races are welcome and we will participate
in a 'Racist-Off' to determine which race is
the most racist and which race is the most
despicable! Members of that race will then
be escorted off the premises!

I hate white people! Come one, come all!

Please RSVP for directions or to just chat!

Sunday, June 04, 2006

Wherein I Attempt a Punchline

Seriously, that band fucking sucks.

Wednesday, May 24, 2006

A Requeſt to the Local Blackſmith to Pleaſe Stop Banging My Wife

My dear ſir,

I have recently been affrighted to diſcover that you, the village blackſmith, and my beloved wife Loveday, have engaged in ſexual intercourſe beneth my very noſe. Now, I would generally expect this ſort of behavior from ſome of the villeins, particularly the incorrigable bordar, who has in the paſt muddled up every menial taſk I have aſsigned him and who no leſs than twice coveted the boſom of my youngeſt daughter reſulting in his diſmiſsal, but this is truly unexpected.

Have I not paid you kindly for your rendering of utenſils and grills? In what way have I diſreſpected you that you muſt commit this moſt heinous of aſsaults on my manhood? What is more, the reputation of my wife, who was once like a dame to the townſpeople, with not a fent in her cloth, has been reduced ſuch that her honour would not go for even twopenny at the weekly market.

Reſt aſsured I will be bringing this matter up to the lord mayor at our next banquet, and though my reſpect for you is great, I ſhould not be ſurpriſed if he ſtrips you of your title as village blackſmith and imparts juſtice on you as he would infangthief on a common criminal.

Beſt of luck,

Tomas Dwight, Village Pornographic Illuſtrator

A Compendium of Made-Up Words to Which You May Assign Your Own Meanings

Disclaimer: Assigned meanings must be in accordance with the given definition of each word and may not infringe on said definition

de·van·dri·gold (any flower resembling a filthily unkempt 21st century folksinger)

fop·er·a·tion·al (used to describe any fully-functioning dandy)

nin·jour·nal·ist (any person who writes for a widely-distributed periodical whilst delivering super awesome moves which injure or kill a minimum of three people within a 2-metre radius of the individual)

zapp·li·ca·tion (any of the Troutman-derived computer programs designed for the Windows platform)