Wednesday, May 24, 2006

A Requeſt to the Local Blackſmith to Pleaſe Stop Banging My Wife

My dear ſir,

I have recently been affrighted to diſcover that you, the village blackſmith, and my beloved wife Loveday, have engaged in ſexual intercourſe beneth my very noſe. Now, I would generally expect this ſort of behavior from ſome of the villeins, particularly the incorrigable bordar, who has in the paſt muddled up every menial taſk I have aſsigned him and who no leſs than twice coveted the boſom of my youngeſt daughter reſulting in his diſmiſsal, but this is truly unexpected.

Have I not paid you kindly for your rendering of utenſils and grills? In what way have I diſreſpected you that you muſt commit this moſt heinous of aſsaults on my manhood? What is more, the reputation of my wife, who was once like a dame to the townſpeople, with not a fent in her cloth, has been reduced ſuch that her honour would not go for even twopenny at the weekly market.

Reſt aſsured I will be bringing this matter up to the lord mayor at our next banquet, and though my reſpect for you is great, I ſhould not be ſurpriſed if he ſtrips you of your title as village blackſmith and imparts juſtice on you as he would infangthief on a common criminal.

Beſt of luck,

Tomas Dwight, Village Pornographic Illuſtrator

A Compendium of Made-Up Words to Which You May Assign Your Own Meanings

Disclaimer: Assigned meanings must be in accordance with the given definition of each word and may not infringe on said definition

de·van·dri·gold (any flower resembling a filthily unkempt 21st century folksinger)

fop·er·a·tion·al (used to describe any fully-functioning dandy)

nin·jour·nal·ist (any person who writes for a widely-distributed periodical whilst delivering super awesome moves which injure or kill a minimum of three people within a 2-metre radius of the individual)

zapp·li·ca·tion (any of the Troutman-derived computer programs designed for the Windows platform)

Friday, May 19, 2006

Can't Say I Didn't Warn You

For five days in a row Antonio has been telling me to shave my back. I wonder why he says that?

I was in the midst of cleaning the excretions from the tight spot between the basin and the wall when for a moment I felt sad.

Saturday, May 13, 2006

A Portrait of Everlasting Joy and Success

Wednesday, May 10, 2006

The First Time I Was Ever Uncomfortable

Sheriff Dixon spoke gravely to us as he removed his hat from his head and placed it solemnly on his chest. "I don't know how to say this, kids... The strawberry parade's been cancelled." I think I saw his lip quiver then.

Friday, May 05, 2006

How absurd!!

Conversation Overheard from Snake's Apartment Window

"Hey man, hey"
"What happened back there with you and that dog?"
"Alright take it easy"

Wednesday, May 03, 2006

Keeping Along

Withholding has always been a great pleasure of mine. When Samantha was only four years old, I accompanied her to a toy store where she expressed desire for a small tiger; a plush novelty which I then used later that afternoon to kill a wasp by suffocation. I thought I had protected her from its wretched sting, but when I looked up at her, her eyes were filled with tears, and I resented her for the rest of the week.

By the time she was twelve she had already made several attempts to grow up, which I had squashed by doing things like screaming myself hoarse until she was curled up in the fetal position begging her mother for re-entry to her womb, or sabotaging her homework so that she would have to repeat the second grade a minimum of three times.

But now the wind of change was unbreakable. My previous attempts at manually turning back time had proven blunderously fruitless, and I was not willing to go through another full-body hair transplant. I was driving her to her first boy-girl birthday party, at the behest of her mother, and I mentioned to Samantha my surprise that she had been invited at all. She let forth the delighted laugh of a girl on the verge of womanhood, and I scolded her for it.

Perhaps... I always wanted to laugh like that?

Monday, May 01, 2006

Ciara: A Man/Not A Man?

The following are actual posts made in an online petition titled "CIARA IS A MAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

PACOIMA !!!!!! reprsenting fucking putos !!!! Ciara i thOUght u wAs A GIrL!! bUT NOoOoOoOo u A man WHAT a DISgrACE

OK thank u ppl whobeleive ciara IS A WOMEN and for ppl who think shea man GET SOME SCENCE IN YO MIND!!!!!!!!!!!!!byby

ciara obviously has manly features flat chest, deep voice and is always wearing pants- it all fits

You might think i'm just chattin shit well at the moment i'm kicked out of school 4 calling a gay teacher at ma school gay and producing a note seyin "you are gay get the fuck out"Trust me its her business and no one elses I know i've learnt ma lesson .if any 1 want to tell me i'm wrong seyin dis mail me

i used to think she was hot but if u look closely at her tight pants u can see where her dick falls!!! It falls to the right!


"That dragon's a pussy," Dad said, his face wrinkled in disgust as he looked at my drawing. "A pussy dragon, son."

Eat it, Saget

A man walks into a talent agency with his wife, son and baby daughter and he says BOY HAVE I GOT AN ACT FOR YOU and the agent says ALRIGHT WHADYA GOT and so the son takes out that day's TV Guide and circles the shows they might like to watch meanwhile in the other room the father looks over the income taxes a couple months early so that he is not rushing when April comes around, as this is going on the wife is on the phone with her mother and they are discussing the savings which the wife has made that day on groceries and also they are making plans for a big passover dinner with all the family and hopefully Uncle Gary can come because you know he has been having problems with the arthritis lately and it has really been getting him down anyways the wife calls for the son to check on the baby daughter and she is sound asleep and everything is A-OK and then they order pizza and eventually the pizza comes and like it is pretty good but not the best pizza they ever ordered, I guess you could say they were slightly disappointed in the pizza but you know it's always a gamble when you order pizza they never really make it the same on two consecutive days let alone weeks apart because this family doesn't necessarily eat pizza every single night; this is I guess a special occasion, although what that occasion is is not clear, I guess they are not really celebrating anything it's just that it's a nice treat to order pizza and nobody has to cook and the family can maybe watch the shows that the son circled earlier that evening and then the talent agent is like WHAT DO YOU CALL IT and the whole family is like THE ARISTOCRATS!!!!!!!

drawing by mr. wafuzio

What happened, I blacked out.

Sorry I'm late, I was up real late last night picking beard hairs from my teeth.

One day little Jedediah came running up the creek with tears in his eyes. "The ol' pawpaw died", he was yelling. They were tears of joy.

The most wonderful thing has happened!